Job hunting the way nature intended

The Economy...blah blah blah...

My point is this: finding a job fucking sucks. Not just because you are lazy and unmotivated. There really aren't a lot of jobs out there. How many times have you responded to an ad on [insert job-finding site], only to discover that it was filled literally SECONDS before you called? I'm guessing somewhere in the millions. But don't give up, my dear friends. Unemployment is merely a temporary state (unless you die before finding a job) if you are really motivated.

Motivation is a warm gun

So, how does one successfully find employment? The answer to that very thoughtful question lays in my three-step career building program: Free-Range Employment.  This revolutionary system, when followed correctly, will guarantee you a new, more satisfying career.* Because you are all probably too poor to pay for this information, I will be offering it for the low price of: $0

Free-Range Employment.

1. Find someone who has a job you want, and for which you are qualified. For example, if you have a degree in psychology, look for something related to the field of psychology. Don't waste your time looking at neurosurgeons (unless they are sexy).
2. Follow him or her around for a month or so. Learn the ins and outs of the job, the lingo, the environment, and the lifestyle said job provides. Remember: It's only stalking if you get caught.
3. Kill the person you have been following** and immediately send your resume to the deceased's employer. This gives you an edge, as you will be the first to know that this position has become vacant. Additionally, you will already know enough about the job to totally ace the interview.

Happy hunting!

* This is actually a lie

** Make sure to properly dispose of the body. Being charged with murder is almost always grounds for termination.