The People's Republic of Walmart

I recently returned from an epic journey to Walmart. A journey full of love, loss, triumph, personal growth, and many other epic nouns. In the process, I learned many important things about modern Americana:

1. Walmart is the new americana.


2. Thomas Kinkade is the new Norman Rockwell.


3. Morbidly obese is the new thin.


4. "Just My Size" is a euphemism, and is nowhere near my size.


5. You can buy ANYTHING at Walmart. Tents, videogames, throw pillows, engagement rings, and an assortment of things which seem to have no practical use whatsoever.

You will never have to talk to your child again.

6. People are willing to pay more for anything that has "advanced microtechnology." You know it's working because you can't see it.

7. People will do pretty much anything to avoid having to walk.


8. Patriotism = nationalism.


9. Openly supporting the current president is unpatriotic.


10. Atheism is unpatriotic.

11. Owning a vagina is unpatriotic.


12. Forgetting which hand to use during the national anthem is unpatriotic (although forgetting the words is okay).


13. Failure to properly display said patriotism is proof that you hate america and are a secret member of Al Qaida.


14. You can purchase all of your patriotic paraphernalia at Walmart.


15. Organic, all-natural products are just...better. Like nightshade. 

Nightshade: It may kill you, but it's all-natural!

16. Products can be simultaneously new and improved, thus solving the quantum uncertainty. Suck it, Schrödinger!


17. Some bookstores have elevators in case the escalators require too much effort. What are these "stairs" you speak of?


18. Ergonomic things are worth more. Because they are ergonomic. See? It says it right there on the packaging.


19. Vaccinations caused 911.


20. There is a greeting card for EVERYTHING.

So, my fellow Americans, rejoice! A new era is upon us! One that probably has mysterious sociological implications. Sprinkle your bacon-bits of hope, onto the salad of your obsolete  national identity. The world is expanding! There are so many things accessible to you. And above all, you can relax knowing that apple pie is still apple pie.