The Twilight Saga (according to a reader who had Pneumonia. And Percocet.)

Ok, so a while back I read the Twilight series. Yeah, I know, right? I can barely believe it either. But I had pneumonia, a bottle of codine cough syrup, and a month's supply of percocet. Don't judge.

For some reason, I recently decided to see how much of the series I could remember without returning to the source material. Why? I don't know. I'll blame insomnia. Anyways, here goes:

The Twilight Saga

Book 1: Teenagers in love

Bella: Wow, this totally hot guy is really hostile, inconsistent, and displays nothing but hatred toward me. I think I love him.

Edward: Wow, I'm a vampire, and this chick smells really delicious. Rather than drink her blood (since I'm a vampire, and all), I'm going "protect" her by becoming a creepy stalker. I think I love her.

Reader: Ok...?

Edward: You need to do everything I tell you, because I'm a dude and I need to protect you from the world. Also I've been stalking you.

Bella: OMG! That's SOOOOO Romantic! Of course I'll do whatever you tell me despite the fact that we are practically strangers and you never explain anything. This is true love!

Reader: Huh?

Edward: Also, I don't drink human blood. And I sparkle. Let's play baseball.

Audience: WTF??

Evil vampires: Now that we've been briefly introduced in the last quarter of the novel. We REALLY need to track down and torture this specific human for no apparent reason...

Good vampires: Don't. We care about this specific human for no apparent reason...

Edward: I've come up with a very convoluted plan. It mostly reqires Bella doing whatever I say due to some convienent vampire reason.

Good vampires: Great plan! Let's do it.

Meanwhile, in Arizona...

Bella: Hello mommy! My, what big fangs you have...wait...

Evil vampire: I tricked you into coming here, and now I will torture and kill you!

Bella: OH NO!!! ONE OF THE EVIL VAMPIRES IS ATTACKING ME!!!

Edward: I'll save you, because we are in love!

Reader: I borrowed this book. Can I still get my money back?

Book 2: Sulking

Edward: I love you so much that I have to leave!

Bella: .......

Jacob: I was introduced in book 1 as a relatively minor character, but I am in love with Bella. Also, I am a werewolf.

Bella: .......

Bella: .......

Bella: .......

Reader: So, when does the plot start?

Edward: For some vague reason I think that Bella has killed herself. Rather than go back and check to see if it's true, I'm going to attempt suicide in italy.

Reader: YES!!!

Bella: NOOOO!!!!

Edward: Oh, hey! You're not dead. My bad. Guess I won't kill myself after all.

Book 3: A love triangle involving Beastialiy and Necrophilia

Edward: Bella! Good news! It turns out that I'm actually in love with you! I may be eighty, but I look nineteen, so it's totally cool for me to date a teenager.

Jacob: Hey, you were gone for like ALL of last book! Back off bro, you lost your chance.

Bella: OMG two totally hot dudes want me! My life is SO HARD

*Dude stuff happens*

Reader: So...no plot?

Plot: Chill the fuck out out, man. I'll show up.

Edward: Pick me!

Jacob: Pick me! Also, vampires are all douchebags. My werewolf pack totally has my back on this.

Bella: What's a girl to do?

Reader: Um...therapy might help.

Plot: Alright, I'm here!

Victoria: Hey, remember me? I showed up briefly in book one and was utterly forgettable. Well, now it turns out that I'm actually really important and evil. And I've created a crazy vampire army to get revenge for some vague reason.

Bella: How very convenient! Now we all have a reason to unite under a common enemy, allowing me an entire book's worth of ambivalence.

Reader: Well...this is slightly better than SkyMall...

Good guys: Yay we won!

Bella: I'm sorry, Jacob. I guess I'm more into dead dudes than furries. I'll still always cherish our friendship.

Jacob: Balls!

Book 4: Why the fuck am I still reading this series?

Edward: Let's get married!

Bella: OK! It's always been my dream, as a strong and independent woman, to marry a rich old dude and live a life of leisure.

Edward: Great! Let's go to my private Island. Now that we're married, I'm totally ready to put out. Because, yeah. I've been a virgin for eighty years.

Bella: Awesome!

*Weird sex is not described*

Edward: Bella, you smell pregnant.

Bella: Well, I guess I'm going to be a teen mom. But that's okay...for some reason...

Unborn child: I love you mommy! I love you so much that I'm going to almost kill you by growing at an abnormal rate!

Bella: Oh, the joys of pregnancy! I think my spine just broke.

Edward: SHIT! SHE'S DYING!

*Medical stuff ensues*

Bella: I think my baby just bit my boob.

Edward: Damn, now I have to turn my wife into a vampire to save her life, even though I've been morally opposed to it throughout the entire series!

*Horrible painful transformation into a vampire is described in much greater detail than the awkward sex that got them into this mess*

Bella: Wow! I'm HOT!

Edward's family: Yeah, you are! Also, your freakish baby is a freak. But you can't hold her because we don't trust you.

Bella: But I want to see my baaaby!

Jacob: Hey, I'm back! I'm also in love with your baby, BTW. I hope that doesn't bother you. I promise to wait until she's a teenager.

Bella: Uh...

Edward: Let's forget our baby and have an epic sex marathon which also won't really be described.

Bella: What baby?

Family: While you were having sex which was never really described, your baby started talking, walking, and is currently learning how to be the most impressive being in existence.

Bella: Oh, yeah! THAT baby! Wow, we ROCK as parents, Edward! And I'm still hot and sparkly!

Reader: Just when I thought this protagonist couldn't get any more vapid...

Bella: Whatevs. You're just jealous because I'm hot and immortal. OMG! I have powers or something!

The Volturi: Hey, we're the governing body of the world's vampires! We showed up for a second in book 2, but we were confusing at best. Well, now we're back and we want to kill your baby. For some reason, we think she is a threat to everything and everyone, so we are specifically targeting you.

Bella: But Renesmee (because that's the stupid name I chose) is totally awesome! I don't want you to kill her! I love her in some vague, detached way!

The rest of the vampire world: We'll help protect this one random baby...she's somehow important. Probably to the plot.

The Volturi: Hey, we're here for your baby.

Renesmee: Wait just a fucking minute here! I'm actually pretty awesome, so don't kill me. I'm practically made of magic.

The Volturi: Well, when you put it that way...

Everyone: Yay! The baby lives! This is meaningful to us for a variety of reasons!

Stephanie Meyer: THE END

Reader: Wait...that's it?

Stephanie Meyer: Bitch, did I stutter?

Reader: I'm so glad I'm on drugs right now.