An Apathist's Manifesto

Due to recent events (whatever those happen to be) I find myself compelled to write about a subject which holds a great deal of significance to me. Namely: apathy. Of late, I have found my apathy to be challenged, mocked, and generally misunderstood. I feel the need to speak for a small and completely silent minority, who have been marginalized for far to long. I refer, of course, to apathists.

Another mammal not thinking about Paris Hilton

Yes, I am a a proud and unapologetic apathist. Now, some of you may be thinking "WTF is she talking about? I've never heard of an apathist." Well thought, my friends. It is highly likely that you haven't heard of apathists, as it is a word I just recently created (unless someone else created it...I haven't actually looked it up). "I see," you may be thinking, "If such a group exists, why are you the first person to give them this label?" Good question, my dear readers, you are a smart bunch! As you astutely observed, apathists are a group that have been historically overlooked. This is a fact which, while unfortunate, is completely understandable. As a rule, apathists are generally too apathetic to bother inventing such titles. There is little unity amongst apathists.

But I digress. Due to recent events, I find my entire world (see: Facebook news feed) flooded with people who are really invested in said recent events. Either they genuinely care about [insert celebrity death/sex scandal, secularized holiday, conspiracy, sporting event, etc.], or they despise the fact that everyone cares about [insert celebrity death/sex scandal, secularized holiday, conspiracy, sporting event, etc.].

Now, as you clever lot have probably guessed, I find that I don't fit into either of these categories. And that is the apathist's dilemma. We don't care. At all. We don't care if [insert celebrity]'s sex-tape was "accidentally leaked" to the media, but we also don't care if our friends think said sex-tape is the most interesting thing since sliced bread.

Ironically, Sliced Bread's sex tapes were largely ignored

I am not suggesting that apathists are heartless, uncaring drones who will probably go unnoticed during the inevitable robot apocalypse. Quite the opposite. All the apathists I know (all six of them) are loving, engaging, inquisitive individuals who care a great deal about that which directly impacts their lives. What I am saying is that apathists are not necessarily going to invest in "recent events" simply because society is saying they are important.

Perhaps I have been too abstract thus far.

like this, but with less paint

And now that I've filled my pretentious sight-gag quota, I will attempt to give concrete examples of things I don't really care about.

Celebrities

Okay, maybe this is a cheap shot

Yup. That's right. Not a surprise there. I don't know any celebrities, so there is no reason for me to invest myself in them. Sure, there are certain celebrities who possess quite a bit of talent. I appreciate their artistic contributions to the world.

Still...I don't care who they film themselves having sex with (unless it happens to be me), who they marry/divorce, what they wear to the grocery store, or how many kids they crank out.

I understand that people find the death of a celebrity to be very tragic. Some people really are invested in celebrities, so when their favorite musician/actor/princess dies, they become very emotional. I'm not one of those people. I understand that death is sad, especially when someone dies at a young age. I feel sorry for their families, but that is about the extent to which I care.

I am largely unimpressed by elaborate funeral processions crowded by weeping fans who probably spend their free time building shrines in their basements (I guess). Conversely, I am not offended by those people who really do care about the death of [insert dead celebrity]. I can hardly claim to be an arbiter of priorities. I'm an apathist. I most sincerely don't care.

The Holiday Season

Any holiday season, really. It seems that you can't swing a stick around without hitting another holiday. Many people seem to really like holidays. Party supply stores love holidays. "The Holiday Season" which produces a phenomenon called "The Holiday Spirit," fills many people with a general sense of euphoria and goodwill. Or, so I've been told.

The holiday season (which is a euphemism for "I'm to PC to call it Christmas") can have some nasty side-effects.  Some people feel angry, depressed, resentful, and several other negative emotions. The sort of emotions that cause them to say (and I paraphrase): "Fuck Christmas!" Given the expectations and sense of obligation that seems to be tied to the "holiday season" they make a compelling argument.

You thought we forgot, didn't you?

If you love Christmas, great! If it fills you with a homicidal rage...well, not great, but your feelings are equally valid (if you fall into the latter category, please tell me where you plan on being from november-february).

As for me , the holiday season fills me with a vague sense of "meh." What can I say? I'm an apathist.

Other holidays I don't really care about include (but are not limited to):

• Valentine's day (I'm not a catholic) 
• St. Patrick's day (I'm still not a catholic) 
• Cinco de Mayo (which, by the way, is NOT the Mexican independence day) 
• Easter 
• Thanksgiving 
• Canadian Boxing Day (has nothing to do with boxing. or even boxes) 
• Fête des lumières 
• April 20th

Establish a National "Let's get Hammered" Day, and then we'll talk.

Something like this

Religion

Let's keep it classy, folks

Some people are extremely religious. It's true. I've seen it. Although I am not a religious person myself, I recognize that religious expression can be positive and deeply meaningful (when not being used as a weapon).

Some people absolutely despise religion. I don't blame them. Plenty of negative things have happened in the name of religion. Anti-theism is a valid viewpoint (as long as it isn't being used as a weapon).

Then, because spirituality is complicated, and (ideally) personal, there are all of the perspectives in between. This is actually most people.

I'm an apatheist (a real word!). I don't care. Not even a tiny bit.

Other

• Shady Conspiracies- They don't make sense to me, but what do I know? Maybe the government really is using nanotechnology to control our minds through our breakfast cereal.

• Politics- No comment.

• Any issue I've forgotten- If I can't even remember an issue, it is probably because I don't care. Or I'm developing Alzheimer's. I'd feel more comfortable assuming the former.

After reading all of this (assuming that you DID read all of this), you may be wondering: "What, if anything, do you care about?" Well, first of all, thanks for asking. Despite the fact that I'm infuriatingly neutral on most fronts, there is one thing that I am really and truly passionate about: Apathy.