Insomnia, and why it must be stopped!

It has been quite a while since I've had a decent 

night's sleep. I know...cry me a fucking river. We all have sleep problems. 

An example of a person who is not sleeping

Well, that doesn't make it better. It just means that we are doing something wrong. Not sure what. I have a cousin who blames it on a government conspiracy, but that's pretty much his explanation for everything. So, apart from the military-agricultural-pharmaceutical-industrial-complex, I am at a loss for why no one is able to sleep. Actually, there are quite a few reasons that insomnia is so prevalent, but explaining them all would be exhausting, and I am already tired. In fact I'm only writing this for something to do until the drugs kick in.


One thing I've noticed about insomnia is that it significantly decreases productivity. Today, for example, I stayed in bed and did nothing but try to figure out how to accurately graph the way in which insomnia impacts one's ability to be a worthy member of society. In other words, the chronically sleep-deprived are completely useless.

While I cannot (or rather, don't want to) help, I CAN show you just how much your  lack of sleep is ruining your life. During the past day, I did some exhausting research and came up with some very interesting (see: fabricated)  data. Here are my results:

An actual graph explaining why you are tired an miserable all the time. Can't argue with that.

Yes, my friends. If you are get four hours of sleep, you will only be able to utilize 20% of your productive potential. Scary, huh?

I'd stay away from heavy machinery, if I were you...

Now some of you naysayers may be saying "Nay, there, missie! I doubt the validity of your claim. How do you even define, let alone quantify productivity in this case?" Well, if you are one of those people, I will remind you that you have the choice to say "Nay," elsewhere. We don't need more negative Nancy's here. We're already tired and grumpy. Sure, the definition of "productivity" in this context may be slightly subjective (see: arbitrary), but that doesn't make my results any less valid. In fact I'd say they they are VERY valid, as I used an actual equation to determine this data:

Fancy, right?

See. A very impressive equation which I came up with all on my own without any help from my mother. Do numbers lie? If you have taken inferential statistics, please don't answer that. For those of you who haven't, the answer is: absolutely not!

Just think about that when you are laying in bed at night, wishing you could sleep, or that you had something to do (which didn't involve heavy drinking).

Yes. This IS what I look like.

This graph, and the following equation leads me to a very important point. You are not alone. Tons of people with horrible, crippling, insomnia are just as miserable. Walking around every day, like a really unproductive zombie. Accidentally colliding with the piles of stuff you have been too exhausted to organize.

Still, instead of looking at your insomnia as a handicap, look at it as an opportunity.

Yes, an opportunity to slack off at work/school/home with impunity. If anyone gives you any trouble, just show them this graph. "I'm sorry, professor. I was unable to complete my assignment because I only got four hours of sleep last night. Therefore, I could only work up to 20% capacity." If they are still skeptical, show them the equation*, I like to call the "Integral of a gaussian" (because that's what it's actually called).

So, celebrate your insomnia. Sure, it may fucking suck. It may be slowly draining away your life and sanity. It may even be preventing you from following your dreams. But those are just minor details. Although I can't exactly remember the point I was trying to make, it was deeply profound and moving.

Also, you can blame mathematics for your problem. If it weren't for math, there would be no graphs and equations charting the miserable truth of your life. If there was nothing documenting your living hell, your living hell would cease to exist. Sort of like a "tree falls in the woods" scenario. Don't think about it too hard. This may not help your problem, but at least you can focus your anger on something other than the military-agricultural-pharmaceutical-industrial-complex.

With those thoughts, I bid you adieu. The sleeping pills are starting to kick in, and I am becoming less cogent.

Pleasant dreams, my fellow insomniacs....

Whenever that happens...


*This might not work with anyone involved math, physics, economics, accounting, or statistics. You can probably pull it off with a communications professor.